Dear Mom
A letter of forgiveness to my mother on Mother’s Day
Dear Mom: A Letter of Forgiveness to My Mother on Mother’s Day
Originally published in Parade.com
Emmy award-winning TV producer and filmmaker Gayle Kirschenbaum has long turned to her own life for material. Her new documentary, Look at Us Now, Mother! examines her life growing up with an emotionally abusive mother. In honor of Mother’s Day, Kirschenbaum shares an open letter offering forgiveness to her mother below.
Dear Mom,
I would have never been able to write this letter twelve years ago. I was still in the thick of it. Still avoiding you, still filled with anger and resentment.
People constantly marvel how far we have come — especially my childhood friends who witnessed their share of moments. Remember my childhood friend, Janet, and what she said on camera about you? “I remember her being intrusive and disrespectful and scary,” Janet said. “She was this loud, shrill voice in the background. She was to be avoided.”
And do you remember when Carol, my former sister-in-law, shared on camera how you were constantly demanding things from me? “Gayle, Gayle! Come here, do this, Gayle! I need you, Gayle! Gayle!”
Then there’s Jodi, my other really good friend at the time, who appeared on video saying that you had “a very irritating voice.”
Do you recall your firstborn, my oldest brother, who sat in front of a camera, his eyes welling up when he recalled how I was treated, “I just remember going nuts on Mom for not letting you be you; how you didn’t do anything wrong, and how mean and cruel and humiliating it was what she did to you.”
It was tough. You were tough. Really tough on me. Not my brothers. You were able to give love to them. As for me, well, I just couldn’t do anything right. Even when one of my brothers would frequently sit on me and hold me down upstairs and shove disgusting stuff down my mouth and I was squirming and screaming for him to stop, you yelled, “Gayle, leave your brother alone.”
It took me a while, but I finally forgave you.
Even though for years you relentlessly criticized me from head to toe. My hair was too frizzy, so you got it professionally straightened starting in third grade. My nose was too big. Although it never bothered me, you threatened me for years with a nose job.
Do you remember when I went in for surgery? It turned out to be unnecessary, but you were concerned I was dying from lymphoma — and that surgery left me with a huge scar across the grain of my neck. Did I ever tell you that I got the surgical report 25 years later and it indicated they accidentally cut my jugular vein? (Thank God, they had all the tools they needed to quickly repair that mistake.) And what about when I woke up from surgery, groggy in the recovery room? You leaned over me and said, “You’re never going to guess what we had done?” I lifted my arm, which had an IV in it and started patting my nose fearful you had them do it while I was out of it.
It took me a while, but I finally forgave you.
And what about the orders you gave my brothers to put me on the refrigerator when I was a little girl so I couldn’t get down and you all laughed? When asked by the therapist, with cameras rolling, why you did this, you responded, “Because she was doing something. So to get her out of the way we put her on top of the fridge so she couldn’t jump down.”
“So, is it fair to say, Mildred,” replied the therapist, “that you would think of yourself in your younger years as hot-tempered? There is a family characteristic of that trait, so it wouldn’t be unheard of.”
You said, “I don’t think so.”
It took me a while, but I finally forgave you.
There was a long stretch, however, when I was young and living at home, when love was far from my heart, as I wished the plane you were on would crash, and that I would finally be free. Thank God, no one listened to that distressed, tortured, desperate self. Not only did I forgive you but I began to love you.
I can’t imagine life today without you. You have become my closest friend, my travel companion, my biggest ally, my confidante and yes, my best story consultant, even when it’s stories like this about how horrific you were towards me.
You have shown compassion towards me, when I thought you were incapable of doing so. And did I ever tell you how many people write me daily, thanking me for having the courage to make a film about my journey to forgive you? Look at Us Now, Mother! has helped hundreds if not thousands of people. It was not only me but you who had the courage to reveal all in a film that would have an impact on people all over the world.
Jessica wrote me on Instagram: “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don’t think you can understand the magnitude of how much this documentary touched me.”
Another viewer, Alex, wrote on Facebook: “My mother and I have a similar struggle and after years of therapy I have worked hard to understand why, but she still struggles to understand why I am caught up in the past. I feel like this documentary is a great way to open doors for conversations between us.”
I don’t know anyone who has a mother who would not only be brave enough to put herself out to the public but also be so funny and entertaining that many viewers of my movie would go from hating you at the beginning of the film to loving you at the end.
You have given me the biggest gift of my life. It was the obstacles, the roadblocks you most likely unintentionally put in my childhood that led me to figuring out how to not only survive but also thrive. I learned the secret to finding forgiveness and the power and freedom it gives you. For this alone I can’t thank you enough.
UNDERSTAND
I knew that I had to dig deep to understand why you were treating me the way you were. And to do so, I had to go into your past, your childhood, much of which you have blocked out. I was able to find your surviving first cousins, who I never knew existed and who witnessed some tragedies of your childhood along with digging up vital records and newspaper clippings and piecing the narrative of your childhood pain — untimely deaths, suicide attempts and financial hardships.REFRAME
By doing so, I was able to reframe how I looked at you. I went from seeing you as my mother who should love and adore me to a wounded child who was also desperate for attention and love. And when I did that, I changed my expectations. I no longer expected you to be able to give me what I so needed at the time.FORGIVE
I began to feel empathy and compassion for you that led me to finding forgiveness. We were able to capture this in our film and now others are sharing how much that has helped them in their own life.
A viewer wrote, “Watched Look at Us Now, Mother! last night & shed tears. I’ve got a complicated relationship with my own mum, and your journey was pretty inspiring in reminding me to think of her as a complicated person rather than just someone who pushes my buttons. Thank you!”
After I forgave you, I had to forgive my brothers. I used the same tools with them. And now, I feel like the luckiest person in the world because I can meet a difficult human being and know how to turn around the situation. I can’t tell you how much confidence and peace that gives me.
I feel so grateful that you have been sticking it out much longer than most people live and have managed to stay in great shape so we can enjoy so much together.
Must sign off now, as I know you are waiting for me and we have a full day planned starting with the Metropolitan museum and ending with dinner at the boathouse in Central Park.
Happy Mother’s Day!! I love you more than you can imagine.
In this TEDx talk called NO MORE DRAMA WITH MAMA I share my steps
to finding forgiveness.
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